I Need a Villain . . .

. . . and I need one fast.

I'm stuck in the middle of my plot again. And I'm mostly stuck because I need really bad people to make it conflicted and interesting, but I can't seem to write mean.

Which really befuddles me. People say to me sometimes: "You're a very nice person," and I scoff, "Oh, no, I'm not. You've just seen me on good days." But . . . . what if I am??!! What if I really do like other people's children better than their pets? What if I really would compliment someone's handkerchief quilt made of farmer's kerchiefs and real snot? What if . . . .? It's too frightening to continue. I'll soon be inundated with invitations to boring events and zucchini.

I've got to get mean and get mean fast! I could remember a few students I've had in class, or the teacher who always brought up some inane detail at the 3 p.m. Friday staff meeting. Or any P.E. class I had in school. Who can I emulate? A junkyard dog? Defensive tackles who love to eat quarterbacks? Any reporter at Fox News?

Dave, ever helpful, has suggested repeated pokings or the strap they use on bucking broncos, but I have politely advised him that if he wants to keep all his happy parts, he'd better stop suggesting.

I need a Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll. Aha! An alter ego! I haven't had an imaginary friend since Connie and her pink and green goats, but how liberating to create someone who really would do and say all the things I've never been able to . . . like telling my father-in-law that no one really gives a shit about some bird who's been extinct hundreds of years, or force-feeding yogurt to the far-too-happy woman who gaily claims to love raspberry cream cheese Dannen better than actual cheesecake.

What better than Draco Malfoy to my Harry Potter? The horrible Gretchen on Project Runway to sweet little Mondo in his white knee-highs? Endora to Aunt Clara?

Yes, yes (insert evil hand rubbing here). It can be done! It must be done! As god as my witness, I will wreak havoc on west central Iowa!!!

Or at least the tiny portion I control with my typing skills and delete key.